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BDSM: Spankings Aren’t Just For Kids Anymore


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but leather, handcuffs and whips excite me! Welcome to the dark erotic world of BDSM!

This is a widely accepted and practiced sexual lifestyle that rarely gets spoken about till the recent release of the Fifty Shades of Grey series and movie. But there is so much that you don’t know. Let’s begin shall we?

Sex is about feeling good and being intimate with another person in a passionate way. BDSM is the same thing but requires less morals if I may. It’s a way to release as well as explore your inner demons while still achieving satisfaction. BDSM doesn’t always involve intercourse and you may not have a relationship with your partner outside of the BDSM world. Not because you don’t want one but because it’s easier to explore these parts of your sexual appetite without judgment risk of exposure.

Let’s begin by explaining what BDSM stands for. Bondage, which is being bound, subdued, restrained or tied up. Discipline, being punished for not acting as you should and learning to act accordingly on your own. Sadism, a person who receives gratification from inflicting pain or humiliation onto another. Masochism, a person who receives gratification by being humiliated or receiving pain.

There is the Domme, or dominant in these relationships. This person is the one with control and is in charge of the situation. Then there is the Sub or submissive who gives the Domme the power and control thus giving up their right to have free will in such scenarios. This may seem strange but it actually give both parties something not gained by sex alone. It allows them to feel beyond physical touch. Letting emotion and feeling take the lead.

When a Sub gives complete control to the Domme they remove the temptation of thinking or doing what they want to thus allowing them to focus on the stimulation they receive from the Domme. The Domme focuses on the feeling of control and having another person’s life in their hands. Both feelings are deeper than physical and emotional it’s almost like inviting your mind to the bedroom as well.

In an exclusive domme/sub relationship there is typically a contract written up that expresses the expectations the domme has of the sub and in turn allows the sub to express their limitations and expectations as well. There is also a safe word chosen to be spoken by the sub only if the sub feels they can no longer participate in an activity any longer for whatever reason.

I know, I know, you want to know about the toys don’t you!

Well, there are many types of toys or tools used in such relationships that are taboo to those outside of this lifestyle. Ball gags are used to deny to option to scream or speak they are placed in the mouth and strapped to the back of the head to hold in place. Whips come in many various types but are used to inflict pain without leaving injuries (a small sting that goes away). Butt plugs and dildo’s are for internal stimulation just like sex. Blindfolds remove the ability to see thus raising anticipation for what is coming next. Restraint systems or handcuffs remove the ability to move.

There is many more tools available but these are the basics.

A domme cares about the sub, they do not wish to harm or emotionally damage the sub they only wish to exert dominance over them and pleasure them in ways sex alone doesn’t do. And a Sub doesn’t wish to be harmed or made into a slave but to give up control in an effort to explore what they are made of. This isn’t as morbid a relationship as it is portrayed it is simply something beyond sex and love that gives the participants satisfaction in ways they haven’t gotten regularly.

A domme would tie the sub up, blindfold and gag them in an effort to remove the ability to hesitate or fear what is coming next. They will lightly touch the sub bringing them excitement and arousal until the point that they are about to break and then inflicts a minute amount of pain that vibrates over them thus becoming a sexual feeling instead of a negative pain like experience.

With your senses restricted, no speaking, no seeing, no hearing then you are left with only touch. And as you lose each sense the one you have left is heightened. That is what BDSM is about, letting go of what you know and allowing yourself to explore the depths of your mind and body in ways that you can’t do on your own or in a “vanilla” relationship.

There are clubs available for people looking to try this lifestyle and there are websites such as fetlife.com where you can meet others in this lifestyle and learn or participate in it as well. I myself am very practiced as a domme and at one time was a sub as well. However taboo it is, it’s also an experience worth having at least once in your life.

You don’t truly know what you’re capable of until you test the limits!

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Robert D. Cobb
Founder, Publisher and CEO of INSCMagazine. Works have appeared and featured in places such as Forbes, Huffington Post, ESPN and NBC Sports to name a few. Follow me on Twitter at @RobCobb_INSC, email me at [email protected]

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