I’d like to lead you through a helpful look at a few things guys like to say and what they really mean when they say those things. Don’t think of us as liars, but simply as guys doing what we have to do to survive when confronted with sticky questions.
You: Are you trying to pick a fight with me?
Translation: Yes, but I am beginning to realize that doing so is a bad idea and will have ramifications for days to come, including silence, abstinence and you telling your friends what a schmuck I am so that even after you’ve cooled off and forgiven me, they won’t.
You (noticing an attractive woman in public): Do you think she’s hot?
Him: Eh, she’s ok.
Translation: God yes, I saw her earlier and my penis did a little dance in my pants. If I thought you wouldn’t smash that beer bottle over my head, I’d suggest a threesome.
You: My folks want to have dinner with us. You up for that?
Him: I dunno… maybe.
Translation: Hell. No. I will never be up for a dinner with your folks, but I’m being evasive for now until I see how important it is to you and if I can beg off without you getting mad at me.
You: Does this top look good on me?
Translation: Not really but what am I, a frickin’ idiot?
You: What are you thinking about?
Translation: Sex. Lunch. Work. My fantasy football team. Bacon. The economy. What my co-worker looks like naked. How I can get filthy rich and retire by age 35.
You: Did you and Melanie ever hook up?
Him: We’ve always just been good friends.
Translation: …who got wasted that one night four years ago and porked each other’s brains out, but you never need to know that.
You: How many women were you with before me?
Him: Gosh, I dunno, I never really counted.
Translation: 143. I have a list of names, dates and ratings, and I like to look at it from time to time to remind myself what a stud I am.
You: Then just guess.
Him: Hmm, well, let’s see. Less than 30.
Translation: A month.
You: Do you care if I go out Friday night with the girls?
Him: I guess not.
Translation: Not if I can talk some of the guys into going to the game. If I can’t, then yes, I mind, but I won’t tell you that because I don’t want you to say no the next time I want to go out with the guys to a game.