Back when I was a pickup artist (formally known as Utah), the one question that I got asked more than any other was, “What is the most effective opener you use to attract women in bars and clubs?”
While to many newbies this may seem like a fair question, to those who know a thing or two about women, this question is borderline cringe inducing.
Let me explain.
The main problem with this question is that it illustrates a classic misunderstanding of what an opener is and what it’s meant to accomplish. Openers aren’t meant to get women attracted to you. They are meant to get you into a conversation with her (or if she isn’t alone, a conversation with her group).
Trying to figure out the best opener is like a football team trying to figure out the best snap count. As long as it’s not obvious and allows you to get the play off on time, it really doesn’t matter if you go on two or on Omaha or even a silent count. Anything will work.
“Yeah, but Ron, I have a killer opener that will really get a great laugh!”
Great! If all you want is to get a great laugh, then by all means go for it. But, don’t be surprised when the guy who doesn’t try to impress her by making her laugh ends up taking her home at the end of the night.
So, what’s the best way to open a conversation with a group of women at a bar or club?
Well, first things first, you need to get out of the mindset that a clever opener or pick-up line or anything that you say will help you attract a beautiful woman, yet alone keep her interested. It won’t.
In fact, thinking that you have to have an amazing opener or the perfect line will actually hinder your ability to approach women successfully. The reason is that more likely than not, unless your delivery is perfect (and sometimes even if it is) it will come across as rehearsed, which will make you look needy and try-hard.
Once a woman catches a whiff of neediness, there is nothing you can say or do that will be able to cover it up. You’re already dead in the water. Even if your pick-up line is absolutely amazing, it will still be like using a fantastic cologne to cover up the fact that you just crapped your pants.
In the end, it won’t make any difference.
Now, if you think you have a fantastic opener or an amazing gambit that you know will generate a huge response that you simply must use, here is what you do with it.
Use it on an adjacent set (a set being a group of people).
Get another set within earshot of the girl you want laughing and having a good time and she will immediately become curious about the man generating all the buzz. Plus, she won’t think that you are trying to impress her or her friends (which is a huge turn off for women), because you’re not even talking to her or anyone in her group. You’re the life of the party, just not her party… yet.
Once she sees you entertaining another group, your value will immediately skyrocket in her eyes.
You see, by entertaining the other group, you are showing her that you are pre-selected (by the women in the other group), socially in demand, leader of men (if there are men in the other group that are listening to you) and most importantly non-needy (as you didn’t just go up and try to impress her like every other guy does).
At the same time, you will also build her curiosity about you in a way that opening her directly would never do.
After a few minutes of entertaining the other group and having a good time, cast a sideways glance at her and see if she is looking at you. If she is, give her a wink and then go back to talking to your group for another minute or two.
“But, Ron, what about the 3-second rule? Won’t she think that I am afraid to approach her if she makes eye contact and I don’t approach her right away?”
No. She won’t. (Unless you actually are afraid to approach her, in which case you have bigger problems to worry about, like self-esteem issues and misconceptions about women.)
On the contrary, what she’ll think is that you have so many beautiful women in your life that you don’t need to immediately jump at the chance to talk to her or any other woman, no matter how attractive she may be. (Dogs that act hungry are always the last to get fed.)
Let her build you up in her own mind for a little bit first before you approach her. Trust me, those few minutes she spends thinking about how great you must be will be ten times more effective than anything you could say to her in that same amount of time.
Once you have allowed her enough time to put you on a pedestal in her mind, (don’t wait too long or you’ll get stuck up there), then you can make your approach and open her directly, even if she is with a group of friends.
Playfully tease her about the fact that she was staring at you (and even joke with her friends about it to put their minds at ease about your intentions), and BOOM, not only are you in the set, but you’ve also built massive amounts of attraction, overcome the obstacles, and you didn’t risk getting rejected either.
How perfect is that?
No pick up line or gambit necessary. No opener necessary either, at least, not one that she hears.
This article also appears at Become The Man here