Dating & Relationships Men Relationships

Snowman’s Take – When a MAN Gets Abused

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I begin with a question. But let me set the scene.

First a disclaimer: This is going to be very difficult to talk about, or write about in this case, but it must be discussed. And I’ll be damned if this falls on deaf ears again.


Second, a preface: This is a very personal situation and a very unique case. It does happen, but not often.

And now, my question: What happens when a man gets abused in a relationship?

Did I touch a nerve? GOOD! Let me spike it a little.

What happens when a man, doing everything he can for his woman, doing things the right way, but still gets abused?

Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. And yes physically.

In my opinion, men go through very abusive relationships as much if not more than women do. Men just don’t have the resources available to them to help them cope, recover, heal, and get through.

Ol’ Snowman went through this form of hell in 2015. Not the kind of thing I never expected to happen, but it did. And unfortunately, through no fault of mine, I’m still paying for it.

Here’s the story. I was in a relationship in 2015 with a woman whom I thought I was going to marry. To spend the rest of my life with. To give my all to.

But little did I know, it would all change before my eyes. And I was not ready.

Frankly it nearly began from minute one. Was at a party in March of 2015, then tried to convince my then girlfriend to not get too drunk as there were children at this party. We were celebrating her son’s 10th birthday. She didn’t listen. She kept drinking telling me she was fine. I was so foolish that I believed it.

That was the first of many incidents.

Another key one. I drove from Glenview, Illinois to LaPorte, Indiana per her request. Got a hotel room, was ready for a night of passion and fun and conversation. Instead, she stayed at her ex’s house. I kept asking if she was okay, but she kept barking at me for calling her to check on her.

What the hell? I thought a man was SUPPOSED to make sure his woman (or who I THOUGHT was my woman) is okay.

Was I wrong?

Part three. Was driving back to Glenview one night when said woman called me in a rage and accused me of cheating on her. Being on a website when I know I wasn’t. I begged and pleaded with her offering my innocence, but she wouldn’t listen. I was heartbroken. I was crushed.

Then the next morning, she calls me, as if nothing had happened saying “Are you going to come see me today? Are we going to fix this?”

Right then and there I should have run like hell. But I didn’t. I felt like I had to stick it out to see if it CAN be fixed.

Silly me. Foolish me. Any synonyms of the phrase fits.

Denied on all fronts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I thought there was something wrong with me. Especially when you hear things like “You have anger issues” after you have been pushed and pushed and pushed to the point where you just snap and yell and cuss.

Anybody been there?

Accused of cheating? Anger issues? Being told “You put my life in your hands, you’re stupid!” And on many occasions, name-calling.

Then came the night of July 21st, 2015. My 43rd birthday.

I found myself in LaPorte. Was going to celebrate my birthday big time. Did my show in the morning, with her son in tow. Drove to said city, reserved a hotel room, was ready to party. So what did she do besides celebrate the day with me?

She visited her ex.

Alone in the room, not knowing what went on, waiting for her to arrive, I just stewed. Her arrival sent me into hysterics. I thought I was doing my part but we instead wound up in an argument. It got so heated, even with her son asleep, that it spilled out into the hall. Then she hit me – the FIRST time.

I didn’t know what to think. Or feel. I know what I wanted to do. Retaliate. I wanted to knock her into next week, but I was just so frozen that all my emotions drained from me. I stood still as she cussed me out, called me names, then stormed out. I just sat on the bed and waited. 90 minutes later, she returned. We argued again, but ended in ME issuing the apology to HER.

What the absolute HELL was wrong with this picture?

More incidents like this happened. The next month there were arguments about little things, big things, a little of everything. And more often than not, I apologized for not being in error.

I was being abused by a woman. I tried telling others about it, but got laughed at and turned away. Not one but TWO police departments looked at me as if I’ve lost my mind. I even tried reestablishing a connection with my own mother, and she laughed it off also.

December 2015 – we found a place together. I gathered the deposit money. I gathered the money to turn on the utilities for this beautiful place. And I was getting ready to get everything set. Then I stood up to one of her tantrums and did it quietly. She then hit me again…and again.

I left and went for a drive once again without striking back. I kept my nerve in check and we again rewarded with silence and disdain. And the ultimate move – or one of them buy her – she kicked me out of our apartment. After I got everything set up – because I took a stand against her attitude. Then I got hit with “Do you understand why I’m doing this?”

Then the coup de grace. Christmas of 2015.

After a fallout between us and I finally manned up and told her that her attitude was causing me much grief, she invited me to come see her in LaPorte in what was supposed to be our place. We talked for about a good hour and made plans for Christmas and thought we were back on track. Boy was I wrong!

I was on my way back home when I get a phone call from her, and there was someone else.

That someone else was my (now former) BEST FRIEND!

THEY CONFIRMED THEIR RELATIONSHIP!

I trusted him with everything that was going on between this woman and I and I got stabbed in the back twice over on the same day.

When I finally did stand up and grow a set and told her to hit the road, I was again made out to look like the villain. And that in turn cost me dearly. Professionally, broadcast clients began pulling away and so did advertisers and potential advertisers. Citing me as weak. As unable and unstable to do what I do.

I have since found someone who has been wonderful for me and to me. She and I do plan to marry this summer. But I’m still feeling the pain and the insult from others.

When men get assaulted, for the most part, a blind eye is turned to them. I still sometimes have nightmares that she will show up with my ex best friend and a few others who have it out for me and ruin everything I have since put together. But now that I am seeking counseling, it’s starting to help.

The fight ain’t over men. I hope you use my experiences as a guide to help you through what happens a lot, but whose stories never get told. And I’ll say it again. Men get abused more than women do. We just don’t have as many outlets, as many forms of help, or anything of that nature. We’re just told to suck it up and keep going. What if we can’t? Then what?

As I am still going through this, I welcome all comments and questions. I’ll be happy to answer them.

That’s Snowman’s Take. What’s yours?

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