Young love. It’s the thing songs and romantic movies are made of. The guy gets the gal. They sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
In real life, fairytale endings aren’t always possible. And yet, it’s the gold standard; what we aspire for. When things end on a sour note, we’re left holding our shattered hearts in our hands, asking, “What did I do wrong?”
The truth is that sometimes couples are incompatible. They grow apart. Other times, the red flags were there, you just chose to ignore it. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s a flaw in our DNA – only wanting to see the good in people.
Whether you’re starting a new relationship or recovering from the previous one, we’ve enlisted expert advice on five warning signs to look out for.
#1. The Bad Boy Paradox
Olivia Rodrigo’s angst-riddled Vampire triggered an avalanche of emotions in women because the lyrics were raw and relatable.
Even TikTok coined a term for it: The bad boy paradox. When Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson explained the terminology behind it, women around the globe let out a collective gasp.
Peterson said that young, naive women are attracted to machiavellian-type men because they can’t distinguish between fearless competence and recklessness. The same can be said for smart women falling for problematic men.
The big question is: why are women attracted to toxic men? The answer? It’s complicated. Because, let’s face it, relationships are complex and take tons of work.
Many times, women spend years in abusive relationships with friends and family having no clue about their tragic circumstances.
They stay silent and inadvertently continue the cycle of abuse, destroying their self-worth and mental health.
Human potential coach Kamini Wood says abusive relationships don’t start as such. The abuse usually begins slowly and gradually so women miss the subtle signs.
#2. Gaslighting
A form of manipulation, gaslighting can make you doubt your entire existence. In a relationship, gaslighting can be the match that sparks the fire. Imagine a partner repeatedly invalidating your feelings and experiences.
PyshPost warns that gaslighting can be extremely harmful because it makes victims question their perception of reality.
Because of the subtle nature of this kind of manipulation, researchers sought to develop a tool to measure gaslighting in romantic relationships.
The study, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, was a reliable and valid measure for men and women.
#3. Shady about Past Relationships
During the honeymoon phase, we want to know everything about our partners from their favorite food to movies and songs. And yes, that includes full disclosure of past relationships.
But when they outright refuse to talk about their exes or brush off any conversation about your future together, Women’s Health says this is a major red flag. Either, they don’t see the relationship as serious or they’re not ready to commit to you long-term.
#4. Aggressive Behavior
Psychology Today describes aggression as a “beige flag.” It’s not a trait you’d spot immediately, but the subtle signs are there if you look closely.
The publication uses Colleen Hoover’s novel It Ends with Us and its subsequent film adaptation as an example.
One of the first beige flags is when Ryan and Lily meet on the rooftop. Ryan’s explosive tendencies come out when he throws a chair. Instead of taking accountability for his actions, he bluntly says, “It’s a strong chair.”
This type of behavior may seem inconsequential at first, but aggressive coping styles can be significant predictors of future physical abuse in relationships, warns Psychology Today.
#5. Jealousy and Possessiveness
Many women can’t tell the difference between being clingy or possessive during the throws of a passionate love affair. In the beginning, you’ll think it’s totally adorable when he insists on knowing where you are at all times or when he side-eyes your male friends.
There’s nothing cute about a jealous or possessive partner. By the time you realize that, it could be too late.
Jealousy itself is normal, says SELF Magazine. It’s how you react to those confused and negative feelings that count. If their immediate reaction is to shout at you or demand who you can and can’t be pals with, then it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
It signals a dangerous possibility that your partner’s tendency to bring out the green-eyed monster could develop into an aggressive, physical lashing out in the future.
Breaking Toxic Cycles
Most women love toxic guys. What can we say? It’s in our DNA. Sometimes, toxic women attract toxic men.
But keep in mind that a healthy relationship requires nurturing and growing together in a safe space. If you do not feel safe and relaxed, you should take a step back and look at things from a different perspective.
Staying in a toxic relationship with toxic partners saps you of your energy like a vampire. It’s time to break the cycle. Work on your personal growth and get your self-esteem to where it once was.
Cutting your losses is more important than compromising your happiness to live a true, authentic life.