In a relationship, there are often multiple relationships, says author and couples therapist Esther Perel. When I talk to couples in couples therapy and we look at their past, we can often see that they have said both hello and goodbye to something in their relationship several times, and many times we can see that they have actually gained what they describe as “a whole new relationship” along the way. These changes often happen in the wake of problems and crises.
When we have children, relationships change
For many people, this happens when they have children. Things change when we have children. We go from being a couple to being a family and the relationship changes. When the child arrives, a lot of focus shifts from the partner and relationship to the child, and that changes the relationship. Suddenly, you may find that you are two parents who are together, rather than two partners. It may turn out that the couple have very different values when it comes to parenting and they suddenly see each other in a new light.
Career or serious illness can change the relationship
One person’s career change or an encounter with a serious illness can fundamentally change the dynamics of the relationship, når manden går i hulen. Sometimes it’s an enrichment. For example, one partner helping and supporting the other through illness can open up closeness and vulnerability, while the sick partner may help the healthy partner deal with worry and fear.
Infidelity can lead to a better relationship
I have yet to see a couple look back on infidelity with joy and gratitude, but I have often experienced that the process the infidelity has led them into has resulted in their relationship becoming closer, more open, soft and warm, and that they are deeply grateful for the new things they have together. Several times I’ve heard couples talk about how it’s a dilemma, because they wouldn’t want to be without the new thing they’ve gained.
Can you get the old relationship back?
Some of the couples I meet in couples therapy long for the old relationship. Some hope, from the start, that therapy can help them into a new relationship. Others are overwhelmed by conflicts and problems and need, above all, to get to a place where it is possible to talk without being overwhelmed by painful emotions. They don’t give much thought to whether they long for the old or something new. They seek safety, peace and stability first and foremost. If they ask me if they can get the old relationship back, I have to say no. Couples therapy will lead somewhere new.
Couples therapy
When it’s difficult to talk without getting into an argument, it’s good to get help to slow down and find out what feelings are behind the things you say to each other. Maybe the feeling of being neglected and overlooked by your partner. Unimportant and alone. Or the feeling of being misunderstood, squashed and treated unfairly. These are some of the things we address in couples therapy.