Artist.
To many the very single word can mean a lot of things and carry a varying array of connotations. To some, it is an individual whom has a unique and gifted ability to see and express the world from a different manner, differently.
Throughout history, many have tried to find pathways to help express their artistic vision. From Michaelangelo,, Leonardo da Vinci, Van Gogh to Picasso, Jackson Pollack and Andy Warhol. The use of alcohol, drugs and various psychedelics like LSD, speed, absinthe and anti-depressants has been used by creatives for fuel since the Renaissance and well into the modern day.
Known for being mercurial, volatile—yet gifted, and misunderstood—due to some form of mental illness, artists are a special and talented kind of people who deserve more grace and understanding, then those of the past.
One such modern-day artist—turned author—who has managed to overcome her own inner demons is Westbury-based Ruth Poniarski.
Poniarski, who unintentionally inhaled LSD angel dust at a party, while eating a brownie, experienced a series of mental and psychological breakdowns, before using art as a way to heal, recover and rebuild her life.
Now fully recovered, Poniarski’s debut book, “”Journey of the Self, Memoir of an Artist”, chronicles her personal struggles with mental illness, bipolar experiences and getting the right medicine. Below is my Q and A with Ruth as we talk about her novel, life experiences and her long, winding road back to recovery.
What inspired you to write your newest title?
What inspired me to write my first book, “Journey of the Self, Memoir of an Artist”, was cultivating the opportunity to share my bipolar experiences and reveal a life, living with mental illness, so that the reader, the individual, who may be suffering, will not feel alone in their despair.
Also, to provide insight into many facets of survival: finding the right doctor, establishing the correct medicine, finding your soul mate, positive relationships, never giving up, self-evaluation while looking at yourself from a distance and nipping an oncoming problem in the bud, sleep management, and overcoming discrimination.
How do you feel the accident changed and influenced you, for better and worse?
After experiencing severe insomnia, not sleeping for seven days, and being treated by a negligent doctor, I fell thirty feet from my apartment window. I initially attempted to rappel with a rope made from tying bedsheets together, but the force of gravity was immense, so I planned how to fall in seconds. I had to escape my neighbors.
In my warped thinking, I imagined they were going to persecute me. I was a pariah, looked down upon. Following twelve hours of surgery, two months in critical care and rehab, six months in a wheelchair, I found the right doctor, George, a Quaker, and my life took a turn for the better in 1984, becoming less riddled with breakdowns.
I slowed down in my life, taking a day at a time, as George always insisted not to put bunions (obstacles) in my head. I had to tend to permanent physical injuries. I changed my career from architecture to being a full-time painter, a path that I could channel my active imagination.
Looking back, what do you feel is the biggest positive change that happened to you?
The biggest positive change that altered my negative course in life was finding the right doctor, George. He instilled common sense, hope, and optimism, towards a thoughtful progression in my life, following my devastating accident, and seven years of being hammered with breakdowns.
Under George’s care, my breakdowns became more spaced apart. In 1987, I found my husband. I became more centered and grounded. In the span of twenty-three years, I experienced four breakdowns and was hospitalized each time.
In the late 1990’s, I was prescribed a very effective medication (an antipsychotic). In 2010, the correct dosage was established, and I gradually broke the pattern of psychosis.
As artists, we all go thru dark periods and low points in our lives, how would you describe what happened to you during your breakdowns and how did you manage to come out better on the other side?
During my breakdowns, the pattern of distorted thinking and paranoia in times of stress, imagining being abandoned in a war torn world as all of my relatives and mankind were leaving in spaceships, and I was left to be persecuted by the Nazis.
This warped thinking occurred every six months to a year, commencing in 1977, after ingesting angel dust PCP that was baked in a brownie cake, at the conclusion of a college party, given to me by a manipulative male friend.
During each episode, my paranoia and distorted reality kept me from sleeping for long periods of time and I experienced dangerous endeavors: abandoning my car and walking twelve miles on the shoulder of the New York State Thruway from midnight till dawn, walking aimlessly on the streets of Athens, Greece, from midnight till dawn, standing on the shore of Jamaica Bay, Queens, NY, my bare feet immersed in snow during Christmas eve, 1983, from midnight till dawn, and so forth.
Each time I experienced a breakdown, emerging from the “spell”, after about three weeks, my mind would mend, and I would become a little more rational. Eventually, I broke the pattern of distorted thoughts, with the right therapy, medication, and communication.
How did Art help you? Describe the therapy that it provided?
Painting became an anchor to my soul. My paintings are very involved, requiring a focused effort and discipline. I study and research art history, philosophy, culture, myths, literature and infuse these facets of inspiration into my narratives, channeling my active imagination, and harnessing my creativity.
What advice can you give those who have, or are going through similar things such as yourself?
My advice to fellow sufferers is to never give up. It is crucial to find the right doctor and experiment until you establish the most effective medication. In time, self-evaluate and look at yourself from a distance, step back, keep a journal, study, and become aware of your coping patterns during stressful periods. Develop a support group (family, friends, therapist) to channel communication in trying times, and be aware the right medication works.
Website – https://ruthponiarski.com/