Men: Top Ten Tips On How To Survive V-Day

Fellas, You know it’s coming, because every year it comes on the same day and the same time every year. Valentine’s Day.

Whether you are single, casually dating or even in a committed relationship including marriage, February 14th is earmarked with a sense od dread and rue, as it is the ultimate litmus of where you are in your own relationship with your significant other.

Personally, there is nothing WORSE than hearing about the lovey-doveyness of another couple if you yourself are single, having difficulties in your own relationship, or have been alone for an extended period of time.

Leave it to a corporate-manufactured holiday about love to rub some salts in your own personal wounds, eh?

Being happily married for six years and being single on V-Day has helped give me a unique perspective on my LEAST favorite “holiday” Not that I’m not romantic or bashing love, I just am now in a position to pass down some wisdom Guy Code-style.

Below are my top ten tips on how to get through Valentine’s Day in one piece, think of this as my ultimate survival guide of possible scenarios that guys everywhere will likely have to deal with. Nut up, my brothers!

1.) Pre V-Day breakup-drama: In what is a normal day for you as you are playing Call of Duty, Madden or smoking a joint, suddenly you get a call from your bro that his girl—or guy—unexpectedly broke up with them. Now, they are in total emotional shambles and need your help, which means for the next few hours, you will be hearing mudane details of their relationship, her crazy insecurities and the inevitable fallout on social media…all day…long.

2.) Nicolas Sparks movie marathons: Be prepared to endure a endless marathon of sap fests such as Dear John, The One, The Notebook, The Lucky One, Safe Haven, The Longest Ride, The Best of Me, A Walk To Remember and Message in a Bottle. Best advice: put your smartphone on silent with ESPN, Mobile Strike or Angry Birds on queue.

3.) Be prepared to keep up with The Joneses: This applies to men in married and dating couples. You ever have a fellow couple that you are friends with that seems to have it all? The perfect house, great jobs, etc? Then one day, they RAISE the bar with a perfect romantic date and or engagement or honeymoon? That one day usually falls on V-Day, which might as well be D-day if your wife or girlfriend feels that your relationship isn’t doing as well as theirs. Yup, women are even competitive about THEIR relationships and marriages too!

4.) Grey’s Anatomy, Sex In the City, The Bachelor and any rom-com movie/dating reality show binging with lots of uncontrollable sobbing: If the weather where you are at is inclement, chances are you are staying in for V-Day date night. If you are, be ready for some sob-filled binging of estrogen-filled shows and dramas such as Grey’s, Sex In The City, 27 Dresses, Bridget Jones, Pretty Woman, Valentine’s Day, Serendipity and the newest movie How To Be Single. You may also be party to some guilty-pleasure slut-shaming, as your woman will need all the support she can get. You’ve been warned!

5.) The “when are you going to….you know?” question: This applies to long-term committed couples who are not married or/and newlywed to long-time married couples. And this question or phrase will undoubtedly be asked in a myriad of ways from a diverse set of individuals ranging from noisy mothers, protective fathers and inquiring best girlfriends, etc.

If you are currently in such a relationship this will be asked in reference to tying the knot, proposing or having a baby, and if there is one such day that the pressure is amplied the most, it is on V-Day. Best advice on how to answer these question? Be ready for them and have your A-game, as your answer will likely be reflective of your significant other, more than you.

6.) Pining/Signals For Commitments, Marriage, “The Talk” or DTR: If there is any ONE day that all single guys dread, it is V-Day because of this topic. The most dreaded phrase that any man can hear is “we need to talk” or “can we talk”. Usually, when a guy hears this in a causal non-committed, non-exclusive relationship, you better believe that it is code red! The scene is simple; single guy meets non-girlfriend at the over-priced coffee shop of her choice.

The two talk about various things in their “relationship” which makes single guy very uneasy, anxious and nervous about where things are going. This talk is also nerve-racking for Ms. Non-Girlfriend, as she wants to know if her “guy” is Mr. Right, thus the reason for “the DTR—defining the relationship—talk” which is her way of figuring out whether or not she should continue to go forward or dive back into the single pool once more.

Mr. Single Guy, if you are reading this, please choose wisely, as you may see “The One” walk right out of your life forever.

7.) Pressure for lots of gifts, affection and attention: This one isn’t REALLY such a bad thing, except that on V-Day weekend, guys everywhere will be bombarded with reminders such as engagement diamond rings, chocolates, lingerie and marriage proposals. It is BAD enough that ABC’s uber-popular dating reality show juggernaut, The Bachelor is one day after V-Day, but be prepared for long pining looks, talks and subtle references to getting married, proposed to from your significant other the next time a Godiva TV spot or Zale’s diamond ring commercial comes on.

8.) No Sports For You! Got plans of watching Steph Curry dazzle helpless defenders at the 2016 NBA All Star-Game in Toronto?  If you wish to not be relegated to sleeping on the couch, then it would be wise to give your lingerie-laden bae some love and attention instead. Your gadget or your girl, choose wisely!

9.) Covert-Style Lingerie shopping: Besides the traditional shopping for chocolates on V-Day, another ritual all men do is shop for some sexy undergarments for the missus. Whether it is online or in the actual store, husbands and boyfriends alike will be out in covert black-ops like droves V-Day eve at Victoria’s Secret, Torrid and other women-friendly retail chains. And likely, you will not be the only guy ogling the likes of half-naked supermodels in the hopes of making your own sexy woman happy on 2/14.

10.) Some little BDSM-themed movie called Fifty Shades of Grey at SOME point: Thanks to it’s smashing box-office success last Valentine’s Day weekend, FSOG has become the newest go-to weapon for women for escapism and dark deep-seeded fantasies of male dominance. It’s amazing how one little “love story” has now empowered women everywhere to raise their freak flags and be so liberating at the same time. Next time your woman suggests “spicing things up”, expect an appearance from Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele’s steamy love drama on V-Day. Guaranteed!