Gaslighting. If you are not familiar with this toxic form of mental and psychological manipulation in relationships, then consider yourself fortunate.
Thanks to the rise of gaslighting provocateurs such as noted misogynist Andrew Tate and former US President Donald Trump, terms such as “gaslit” “toxic” and “gaslighting” have entered our everyday lexicon.
One can also blame social media for the rise of this phenomenon, as it has helped amplify and promote such negative attitudes and behaviors in relationships and everyday interactions.
Below is my Q and A with world-renowned psychologist and author Dr Ramon Presson on how to overcome this troubling issue.
*1. **Why has gaslighting become so common and mainstream in today’s culture and relationships?*
Gaslighting was Merriam-Webster’s 2022 “Word of the Year,” citing a 1,740 percent increase over the previous year in searches for the word in its online dictionary.
While seemingly a new word to us, the origin of the term is traced back to the 1944 Hollywood movie film “Gaslight <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ToLfQU2xmg>” in which a manipulative husband, Gregory tries to derail his wife, Paula, by tampering with her perception of reality and causing her to doubt her own memory and sanity.
Although not used commonly until recent years, after the popular film’s release, the term was always known to refer to intentionally manipulative behavior.
Gaslighting is not a recent phenomenon on the micro-level of intimate relationships or on the larger macro-level of an entire group, community, or nation.
Gaslighting has been with us as long as humanity and speech have existed because it is rooted in deceiving and manipulating others for personal gain.
*2. **Do you feel that public figures such as Andrew Tate have helped in making gaslighting acceptable in bad and toxic relationships?*
As is often the case, a high-profile individual, group, or incident brings attention to an issue. The issue has usually existed for quite some time, hidden in plain sight, until a disruptive event shines a spotlight on it.
The person largely credited with brushing the cobwebs off the word “gaslighting” is Donald Trump, beginning with his campaign messaging in 2014 and extending throughout his presidency.
From 2014 to 2020 political writers and commentators were using the gaslighting term to describe Donald Trump’s communication patterns more than counselors and therapists were engaging the term in therapy with clients. In fact, until that time, many therapists had not even heard of “gaslighting.”
On the one hand, visible and vocal figures such as Donald Trump and Andrew Tate are not making gaslighting more acceptable on a societal scale or in personal relationships so much as they are making us realize how common and rampant it is.
Thanks to such frequent displays of gaslighting, the behavior is being exposed and challenged.
On the other hand, when gaslighting behaviors are exposed and still seem to succeed, that’s very troubling. For example, Trump’s constant and effective gaslighting about “the stolen election” has inspired hordes of copycats. In recent years, defeated candidates in the U.S. and abroad have claimed fraudulent voting and rigged elections.
Note that one of the strategies of gaslighting is to keep fervently repeating a falsehood. Repeated fervency can become convincing even without supportive evidence or with actual evidence to the contrary.
It’s less likely that personal users of gaslighting techniques learned them from watching public gaslighters than it is that public gaslighters honed their methods from practice and success in their personal and professional relationships.
In other words, these gaslighters simply expanded the scale of their audience and victims.
*3. What is the root in the rise of this type of behavior?*
At the root of gaslighting behavior is ego and even narcissism. In gaslighting there is a desire to control others, a desperate need to win, and a core belief that the ends justifies the means. Therefore, deception and manipulation become an acceptable means to achieve the desired ends: control, power, and victory.
The intention of all true gaslighting is to manipulate by deception and word-twisting, seeking to keep its victim off-balance and unable to hold the gaslighter responsible and accountable for their actions.
The great fear of the gaslighter is losing power and control, and ultimately being abandoned or rejected. Gaslighters may seem cocky but they are actually insecure. Secure people don’t feel the need to deceive and manipulate others in order to be fulfilled or reach their goals.
As for the rise and increase of gaslighting behavior on a societal level, in the political arena for example, it can be attributed to the evidence that sadly it keeps working. When a candidate fears losing favor and votes or when a party fears losing an election and power, they will usually turn to mudslinging their opponents and gaslighting the public.
If gaslighting was completely unsuccessful and not worth the risk, it would not be employed so regularly. The hammer may be the oldest tool known to man, but hammers still sell because they work.
It’s important to understand narcissism because narcissism and gaslighting ride a tandem bike. Narcissism is a condition and attitude while gaslighting is one behavioral expression of that condition and attitude.
Narcissism at its core is always egocentric but not always egotistical.
In fact, many narcissists have a very low self-esteem and are quite insecure. But all narcissism is egocentric in that it concerns itself with *my* wants, *my* needs, *my* feelings, and *my* comfort and convenience.
Narcissism’s blind spot is empathy, whether unable or just unwilling to consider someone else’s desires, needs, and feelings. Gaslighting techniques are just some of the tools that narcissism uses to get the job done.
4. What are the signs you’re being gaslit?*
To resist gaslighting you first have to recognize it. Here are some common gaslighting techniques to watch for:
A gaslighter will do or say something and soon afterwards deny that it ever happened.
“I didn’t say that. I never said that. I don’t know where you got that.”
A gaslighter will say something harmful and later say he wasn’t being serious.
“I was joking. You take everything too seriously. I can’t even joke with you.”
A gaslighter will do/say something to provoke you and then act surprised or confused when you react with hurt or anger.
“What?? What did I say? I don’t know why you’re so upset right now.”
This is akin to the basketball player or soccer player, who when whistled by the ref for committing an obvious foul, reacts with exaggerated bafflement and protests of innocence.
A gaslighter will do/say something to provoke you and then pounce on your reply with a form of “Gotcha!” “Wow, are you hearing yourself right now? Who is the one with the anger problem?”
A gaslighter will accuse you of something and claim your response is evidence of your guilt.
“When I asked you where you’d been, you paused instead of answering right away, which means you needed a few seconds to make up a lie.”
A gaslighter will twist your words, change the subject, and produce a counter complaint to throw you off-balance and make you feel lost in the conversation.
“You’re calling me a slob? Maybe if I didn’t have to always clean up after you I’d have time to take care of my tiny bit of clutter. All I do is go to work and come home. Come home and do housework. I never have time for myself, but you play golf anytime you want.
You’re just like your father. Except your Dad doesn’t drink like you do and not help the kids with their homework. So if I want to stay out late with my friends, I’m gonna do it. But you’ll accuse me of cheating, and you’re the one who’s probably cheating. How do I know you’re really at work or at the gym when you claim to be?”
If you were on the receiving end of this tirade, how would you even choose which part to respond to? And all you said that launched the defensive, rambling avalanche of words was,
“You’re welcome to drive my car anytime. I’d just appreciate it if you wouldn’t leave cups and food wrappers in the seats when you drive it.”
5. How Does One Combat a Gaslighter?*
To thwart gaslighting you have to change your responses to it. Your default responses aren’t working, are they? And your highly consistent responses become predictable and a gaslighter knows how to hit a pitch he knows is coming. In baseball there’s a pitch called a “change-up” and the reason it’s effective is because it’s unusual and unexpected.
Batters are accustomed to baseballs coming at them at 90mph, and they time their swings accordingly. A change-up is thrown 10-15 mph slower than a regular pitch. If thrown correctly, the change-up will confuse the batter because the human eye cannot discern that the ball is coming significantly slower until it is around 30 feet from the plate, and at that point the batter is almost half-way through his swing.
The result: Swing and a miss. You must throw some curveballs and change-ups to a gaslighter.
Here are six such effective pitches.
1. Don’t bite the hook.
Stay alert for the gaslighter’s baiting techniques. Remember how the gaslighter has baited you in the past, how you tend to bite, get hooked, and reeled in. By now you know what’s coming once it begins. So, recognize and resist the baited hooks. When you see the bait, say to yourself silently or even aloud, “I’m not biting on that.”
2. Stay Calm
The gaslighter will try to provoke you and if you blow up, his response will be to act surprised, confused, and offended by your anger. And your explosive response will be used against you to confirm the gaslighter’s narrative about/against you.”
3. Know Your Truth
You know what is true about you. You know what you actually said and didn’t say. You know what you did and didn’t do. You know what your intentions and motives were/are. You know how you feel. You know what you believe. Don’t allow a gaslighter to re-write your truth.
4. Use the “Broken Record” Technique
The gaslighter’s meandering and manipulative loops can be interrupted by employing the “Broken Record” technique. This is done by having a single phrase or short sentence that is repeated in response to the gaslighter’s attempted hooking question or comment.
Examples may include:
“I’ve already given you my answer.”
“I know what I said and what I meant.”
“Not guilty.”
“I’m not changing my mind.”
Just like a fire needs more wood to keep burning, a gaslighter needs more material from you to keep the exchange going. The Broken Record technique frustrates the gaslighter and makes them give up sooner.
5. Don’t try to have the last word.
Whether the conversation is in-person, a phone conversation, or a text exchange, remember that the gaslighter seeks to keep you engaged in the game. When you are playing the gaslighter’s game you are playing by their clock, not yours.
To end the game and stop the clock you have to be willing to let the gaslighter have the last biting comment, the final sarcastic dig. Let a gaslighter think they won by having the last word. Your victory is in walking off the court and taking the ball. Game over.
6. End conversations earlier.
Partners of gaslighters often get roped into marathon arguments. Don’t allow the gaslighter to be the only one holding a stopwatch. Decide early on that you won’t allow yourself to be a passenger trapped with a gaslighter piloting a cross-country flight. Set a reasonable boundary and stick to it.
“For the past 20 minutes I’ve listened to you accuse me of something I didn’t do, twist my words, and try to trap me. It feels like an interrogator trying to extract a confession. I haven’t done anything and I’m not hiding anything.
Since you won’t stop, I’m ending this conversation. Good night. I hope you can speak to me with more respect tomorrow.”
6. Psychologically, what are some of the long term effects of gaslighting? In relationships? Everyday life, etc?
Some of the enduring effects of gaslighting are.
1) Crushing your confidence and self-worth, causing you to doubt your adequacy and goodness
2) Causing you to doubt your own reality and memory (what I saw, heard, experienced, said, did)
3) Leading you to falsely blame yourself
4) Causing you to feel emotionally unsafe
5) Provoking your physiological stress and anxiety, raising your blood pressure, increasing your cortisol (stress hormone), causing headaches and other physiological symptoms
6) Provoking the feeling of being controlled (time, relationships, mobility, money, activities, decisions, beliefs) which instills resentment
7) Creating distrust in tandem with resentment which prompts you to withdraw and disconnect for emotional safety
If the gaslighting does not stop, its victim will ultimately feel forced to sever the relationship in order to be free of the abuse.
7. As a culture and society, how do we fix this growing problem?
On a societal level, courageous people must be willing to speak up and say that the emperor is not wearing clothes. In Andersen’s fable, it was a child in the crowd who finally shouted aloud what was evident–the king was not wearing magical clothes that only qualified people could see, but was in fact stripped down to his tighty whities.
In the Marx Brothers film “Duck Soup” there is this exchange:
Mrs. Teasdale: “I thought you left.”
Chico: “Oh no, I didn’t leave.”
Mrs. Teasdale: “But I saw you with my own eyes!”
Chico: “Well, who are you gonna believe–me or your own eyes?”
A gaslighter is a bully. The bully must be recognized as such and resisted. Courageous people of conviction will have to stand up to the bully and say, “I know what I heard. I know what I saw. I believe my own ears. I believe my own eyes.”
8. Any final thoughts on gaslighting and how to overcome it?
Keep in mind that in an intimate relationship, narcissists and gaslighters need a non-assertive victim, perhaps even a codependent, to be successful. In order to operate they need a victim who does not set and maintain healthy boundaries.
To win, gaslighters require self-doubters who are unwilling or unable to hold them accountable.
You need to know upfront that gaslighters are typically resistant to individual counseling or couples counseling because *they* don’t have a problem. In their mind, *you* are the problem. If the gaslighter does agree to couples therapy it is usually with the intent to get the therapist to agree that you are the problem.
When the gaslighter’s goal is not achieved and he’s challenged by the therapist, the therapist will often become the target of the gaslighting. When the therapist exposes and challenges that, the gaslighter will reject counseling altogether or will insist to his partner they find another counselor, the gaslighter hoping to find a counselor who will buy what he is selling.
When you set boundaries for a gaslighter or perhaps seek to remove yourself entirely from a relationship with a gaslighter, you must be prepared for the gaslighting to actually ramp up rather than decrease. The gaslighter will likely increase the frequency and intensity of what has worked for him before in this relationship, his goal being to get you to lower or remove your boundaries, and certainly to dissuade you from ending the relationship.
Review the 6 ways to combat a gaslighter.
If you initiate a breakup or a divorce from a gaslighter, he will play the victim and will likely spin his narrative to be that you gave up on the relationship. He was devoted and committed to you and wanted to work on the relationship, but you threw in the towel.
A gaslighter (also usually a narcissist) will want to preserve his precious image to other people. Therefore, you are the villain, and he is the victim. And he will attempt to gaslight his social network with that narrative. You could expend a lot of emotional energy to correct his spin and story that’s out there.
But I recommend you not spend your time in some sort of door-to-door PR campaign to defend yourself. Your primary need and task is to disengage from the gaslighter and move forward in rebuilding your life. Go write a new story for yourself instead of trying to correct his story.
Dr. Ramon Presson is a Psychologist and Author with over 30 years of experience. His website is – http://ramonpressontherapy.com/