Suicide is an incredibly difficult topic to discuss.
Yet the one thing that needs to stop immediately when it comes to making comments about suicide is that it is a selfish act. Still when people say this in my opinion it is an excuse to get out of an uncomfortable discussion. I also believe that many of those who say this, do not understand the difference between those who are feeling sad and those who are feeling depressed.
When it comes to deeming the action selfish does that only apply to adults? What about children and teenagers? Here is a great example. Imagine that you are in your freshman year of high school. You have wowed your coaches and become a starter on the varsity basketball team. Yet in your first practice you tore your anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and medial collateral ligament (MCL). Now you’re in excruciating pain, facing surgery, a lengthy, grueling rehabilitation period, and the possibility of never living up to the expectations that you had for yourself.
So no one would question if you were feeling sad about your injury right? Yet you will see recovery as a challenge, a bump in the road, and let’s not forget plenty of help will come your way as you will get prescribed pain medication, physical therapy, and possibly a sport psychologist if there are concerns about re-injury. When it comes to physical health, we are much better at treating it. Mental health, is a completely different story.
Now what happens when a child is abused in a place where they are supposed to find safety? Such as church, The Boy Scouts, a family member, or even a neighbor. Maybe do to the unseen pain, they make an impulsive decision to get away from the pain.
What if a child has a learning disability that causes anxiety and depression and they are seen as socially awkward? They are made fun of by their peers, siblings and do not get the support they need from their parent(s).
Even if the parent(s) do right by their child, they go to therapy and are prescribed antidepressants, certain ones can have serious side effects. On the opposite end of the spectrum are the parent(s) who work multiple jobs to make ends meet with no ability to get their child(ren), that they desperately need.
We also saw a story last month of a 10-year-old boy who recently passed away from suicide due to bullying. Even with the school being aware it was going on, no action was taken. Too often we still parents or teachers believe that adage about “sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Let’s put that to rest once and for all, that is one of the biggest lies children get told.
You cannot tell a child to magically turn off their feelings if they get hurt. Can’t tell them to ignore it either or laugh with them, it simply does not work. I started watching Young Sheldon recently and there was an episode where Sheldon was having an issue from the noise coming from the refrigerator. So he took it upon himself to try to fix it and was not able to. The reaction from his father was particulary upsetting and realistic he went to tell him that “I am very disappointed in you.” If you are a parent please do not ever tell your child that.
Sheldon started to cry and his twin sister who was laying on her bed because they shared a room said “you know if you cry I can’t enjoy your pain.” Then showed her empathetic side by hugging him.
Many stories that I have seen when a teenager dies by suicide is because of this and that even though they reached out for help from peers when interviewed they pretty much say “thought they were joking” or “looking for attention.” So no action was ever taken.
Also, would you have noticed if a classmate missed a week of school? What about a month? Would you know that the act of getting up to do anything took a ton of effort? That their anxiety was overwhelming? I’m guessing probably not.
Music though has become key to addressing the stigman of suicide and mental health issues. I know on Sirius XM Octane when a certain personality is on in the mornings she will always take time to give out the number to 988 for those who are struggling mentally.
For those who do not know 988 is 24 hours a day, seven days a week, suicide hotline. Then there are bands who have taken on the task as well such as these lyrics from the song “I’m Not Okay” by Citizen Soldier. “I wish I had a scar. Had a bruise on the surface, any kind of proof. That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse. My life’s invisible abuse, I’m either judged or have to hide.”
Another example from when I was growing up was “Last Resort” by Papa Roach with the lyrics of “I can’t go on living this way. Can’t go on, living this way. Nothing’s alright. Nothing is fine. I’m running and I’m crying. I’m crying, I’m crying. I’m crying, I’m crying. I can’t go on living this way.”
One of the songs that hits me the hardest is by Letdown and the song is titled “Empty.” Lyrics are “nobody help me. I’m not cold I’m empty. Somebody heal me hold me make me know me. Hate me. No one can love me. Inside my lonely. Someone won’t feel me show me make me know me. I’m not safe.”
As for men they are more likely to die by suicide and this illustration that I came across on social media awhile ago illustrates the stigma of society when it comes to men and their mental health.
I am grateful now that we are beginning to see a change when it comes how many view masculinity. There is no longer a belief that a man has to go through things alone and that there is no shame in asking for help. We still have a long way to go though.
Nearly a year ago, I wrote for The Inscriber Magazine my reaction to the song “To Be A Man” by Jax. The chorus of the song goes “I can’t hide myself, I don’t expect you to understand, I just hope I can explain. What it’s like to be a man. It’s a lonely road, and they don’t care ’bout what you know. It’s not ’bout how you feel. But what you provide inside that home.”
Another lyric from the song is “Too much pressure on my shoulders, it gets tough to be. The person bringing in the bread and be the lover that you need. For self-care, yeah I had to let go. I’d be lying if I told you that it never takes a toll on my mind. I need someone to save me. But I have to be the one who’s saving you. When you’re exhausted I’m a shoulder where you mend. Gotta stay strong, what can I do when.” Then in goes to the chorus again.
“To Be A Man” immediately starts off with admitting to loneliness when it comes to working long hours to provide for the household and then the next verse is about sacrificing your own mental health to keep someone else safe. There is absolutely no question that is stressful and can lead someone down a dangerous road that possibly leads to depression or addiction. Especially with the outdated notion that men are the “providers.” Which is already an outdated notion when a majority of household incomes are dual, not single income.
PBS published in January 2024 an article titled “Why a Growing Number of American Men Say They are in a ‘Friendship” Recession. It mentioned those who are single who admit to having problems making friends and when it came to all men, the amount they had.
In other words, men have become lonelier. Which for those who are struggling with their mental health, is a dangerous place for them. This is why therapy is so incredibly important and thankfully I have seen on dating sites that many women indicating that this is a green flag for them.
Meaning that this is viewed in a positive light. Yet it was not that long ago where that was not the case. Which goes back to the warped view in regard to masculinity and weakness for needing help from others.
Once again Citizen Soldiers covers this topic in several songs. One is “Would Anyone Care” lyrics are “if you’re dying inside. Sick of being alive. Let me in, let me share in your pain. From my lungs through the dark. Spoken straight from the heart. Let me give you a reason to stay.”
ICU is another song that deals with a suicide attempt, the lyrics are “So you pictured all the faces when they’d hear the news. Thought your body in a bag would be enough to prove. That this was real, and not some sad excuse. I see you. Crying in a gown that’s blue. Screaming through a breathing tube.’How’d I get to this place?'”
The band Red also has a song that fits here as well and the song is “Not Alone.” Lyrics are “and everything’s gone but the pain carries on. Lost in the rain again, when will it ever end? The arms of relief seem so out of reach. But I, I am here. I am with you. I will carry you through it all. I won’t leave you, I will catch you. When you feel like letting go. ‘Cause you’re not, you’re not alone.”
One last song that I will mention is one by Korn that I have seen a number of therapists react to. The song is “Daddy.” I won’t put the lyrics in from the song yet at the end of the song you can hear lead singer Jonathan Davis let his emotions out. He wrote that song about what happened to him in childhood and how he was not believed.
So there is another reason why therapist is crucial in order to handle traumatic painful memories or events.
Yet if you are one who feels the need to say that suicide is “selfish” you are better off keeping that to yourself otherwise you ended up sounding ignorant. Now it is not to say that I do not see the logic behind the statement especially when children are mentioned, a loving wife/husband, and family.
Here is the thing that should resonate with those who have been diagnosed with depression, it is not logical. You cannot say to yourself well today’s is an awesome day, I am no longer depressed. It does not work that way.
For those who need an example why not to used”selfish” here is an example that may help if you know someone who suffered a compound fracture while playing basketball you would not tell them to suck it up and get back in the game. No, you would likely see them get taken off the court on a stretcher by paramedics, or you would take them to the closest hospital.
Simply put, someone who is at the point of suicide regardless of what age, is looking to take their pain away. Unfortunately it is the kind that is not seen, their scars are invisible.