Asking a woman out on a date can feel like an extremely daunting challenge. Questions like “when should I ask her” and “should I text her or call her” swirl around your brain like a swarm of angry ghosts attacking your confidence level and eroding it away piece by piece.

Over time, these questions begin to pile up and eventually something as simple as asking a girl if she wants to grab a cup of coffee becomes as intimidating as getting into a street fight with Chuck Liddell. 

By far the most daunting of these questions that guys face in the dating world, and the one that I get asked the most is “how do you ask a woman out without getting rejected?”

My answer to this question is always the same:

“Don’t ask her out.”

Now most guys when they hear me say this think that I mean the only way to get a woman to go out with you is just to risk getting rejected and ask her out on a date. While it is true that you can’t ask a girl out without running the risk of getting rejected, it’s actually not what I mean at all.

What I mean is: don’t ask her out on a “date”.


Asking a woman out on a “date” creates an image in her mind of a guy taking her out for dinner and a movie in the hopes of getting laid at the end of the night or at the very least an awkward kiss at the door.

Even if this isn’t your intention, enough guys have done this with her in the past that the moment she thinks that you are asking her out on a date, this image will immediately pop into her mind. These built-in expectations and implications of what it means to go on a “date” can make it rather uncomfortable and somewhat awkward for her to say yes.

Going out on a date with a girl implies that you are attracted to her enough and feel a strong enough connection with her that you feel that she has at least the potential of being your future mate. Dating, if you think about it, is just a prelude to a relationship and marriage.

Asking a girl out on a “date” is therefore like asking her if she would consider getting into a relationship with you and possibly ending up as your future spouse and the mother of your children.

Talk about pressure!

Now you know why women sometimes reject you when you ask them out on an actual date. It’s not because they don’t like you (although sometimes it is), but rather it’s because sometimes they don’t want to deal with all of the pressures that come with formal courtship.


Instead of asking a girl out on a formal “date” and inviting all of the pressure that comes along with it, what you should do is just find something fun that YOU want to do and then invite her to come with you. That way, even if she declines your invitation, she isn’t technically rejecting you, because you never really asked her out in the first place. You simply suggested that she come with you to something that you were already planning on doing anyway. (FYI – The more casual the activity, the better your chances will be of her agreeing to go.)

By asking her out in this way, you allow her to put off making a decision about your potential as a boyfriend, which she would have to do immediately if you asked her out on an actual date. Since you’re just inviting her to join you for something casual, however, she can bypass all of the stress that comes with assessing your value as a potential mate until she actually gets to know you.

Still worried about getting rejected? Let’s take a look at what would happen if she actually did reject you:

YOU: “Listen, I was going to go check out the Twilight Festival on Thursday. You should come with me. It’ll be fun.”

HER: “I can’t. I already have plans for that night.”

YOU: “No worries. I’ve got a couple friends that are going. I just figured you might want to come and hang out with us.”

Since the activity wasn’t about her (like it would be if it were an actual date), it’s really not a big deal if she can’t make it, and it’s certainly doesn’t reflect badly on you in any way. You’re going to go out and have fun with or without her. You just thought it would be fun for her to tag along on your adventure.

By the way, always talk about something else before you bring up the date idea (for lack of a better word) and after you bring it up, as well. That way it won’t look like you’re just talking to her in order to ask her out, which would make you look needy and a little desperate, especially if she already has plans.

In all honesty, the only time you should ever ask a girl out on a real “date” is if you’ve already been seeing her casually for a couple of weeks and you’ve already kissed her on more than one occasion. That way you already know that she will say yes, because she already knows that she really likes you. After all, she’s already kissed you and she’s already spent a lot of time doing fun things with you, too.

To her, she will feel like the two of you are already dating each other anyway, so asking her out on a real date at this point won’t be that big of deal, which will make her far more inclined to say yes.

This article also appears at Become The Man here.

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